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Saturday, March 13, 2021

#LetsCancelTheMuppets! by Nicholas Napoli

I’ve been thinking about this long and hard, and I’m now sure it’s officially time to cancel The Muppets, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize, they’re so inappropriate, such a bad influence for children. First there is Miss Piggy, always karate chopping Kermit, making me think that sort of violence was funny. I watched that endlessly as a child, how many people have I karate chopped in my entire life… only seven actually now that I think about it, I’d hardy say I was influenced by Miss Piggy in any way, otherwise that number would be much higher? Still cancel that pig, she’s so mean to everyone in general, she’s such a diva, cancel her, smoke that ham. The Swedish Chef, mocking Swedes for years, right in our faces and we accept it, shame on us for laughing and being entertained by that. Cancel The Swedish Chef or at least make him take lessons in proper Swedish, or for my convenience too in English. From now on I will only be referring to him as the mumbling chef, anyone who doesn’t do the same, shame on you. I’ve only ever been in a serious relationship with two Chickens in my entire life, Bernice and Pricilla, both relationships failed, I blame Gonzo for this. I was obsessed with Gonzo as a child, he has always been my favourite Muppet but because of him, I was led on a path of dating Chickens and I can assure you, interspecies romances do not work. I therefor call to cancel the not-so-great Gonzo, for making children all around the world believe it is okay to grow up and marry a chicken. Speaking of interspecies dating, Kermit and Miss Piggy, they should stay separated, I consider that to be more politically correct, a Frog and a Pig in love? I can’t believe I was rooting for them to be married for so many years, I’m glad I opened my eyes and realized sooner rather than later, I’d hate to find myself divorced from a Pig because The Muppets influence me on that path as a child. 

Every time I watched Crazy Harry on The Muppet Show, I would take out my explosives and I’d go crazy at my local theatre, what a great character, I wish he were used more, boom, bang, I miss the classics. Every time I get halfway down the stairs, I have to stop and cry, what an emotionally beautiful song, but it has scarred me my entire life every time I walk down or even up the stairs. For that I say we cancel Kermit’s cute 5-year-old nephew Robin, he never should have sung that song and touched my heart as a child. Janice is too sexy, that was a cheap gimmick to use to catch the attention of men back in The Muppet Show days, she should have been cancelled then, she should be cancelled now. Woman, Food, Drums, Animal needed to be have been cancelled yesterday, he is so offensive to musicians, especially males, what does he think we are, simple three note dimensional characters? Don’t even get me started on Lew Zealand, he throws away his fish and yet they keep coming back to him, now that is worthy of cancelation. What a harmful phycological message to put out there, go back to your abusers, even if they reject you, I’m sure one of his fish must be named Reylo. Mahna-Mahna, I’m pretty positive those two Snowths are his slaves and probably Doo-Do-Doo-Do anything he asks from them, probably best he gets cancelled and both Snowths set free. Rizzo the Rat, inspired millions of Rats to think they could break into show business, Hollywood is now full of untalented Rats trying to make a living, cancel Rizzo the Rat and all his Rat family and friends. Sam the Eagle, I know he has always been very politically correct, an outstanding fellow, but I’m worried he might cancel me at some point, so yes cancel Sam the Eagle before he cancels me. In fact, cancel all those lovable, adorable, funny, innocent, puppet characters…. wait puppet characters? I feel so foolish now, please ignore everything I said. 

The Muppets, I grew up with them, I was obsessed with them all throughout childhood, meaning 90% of my youth was spent watching Muppets and then there was 10% of everything else. If you wanted to conduct a scientific experiment, and raise a child, whose mostly sole influence from entertainment came from The Muppets, that’s me, and I turned out just… well I’m still here, I’m still functioning, let’s just leave it at that. In fact, I would go as far as saying The Muppets were a positive influence in my upbringing. The Muppets, Fraggle Rock, Sesame Street, that was Jim Henson influencing are young minds, Jim Henson’s a genius, nothing he created, ever deserves to be cancelled. Sadly, today it’s not about The Muppets being cancelled, censored or labelled as offensive, it’s the whole industry. It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to see who gets cancelled on The Muppet Show tonight. The Muppet Show recently got a content warning label added to some episodes on Disney+, I thought it was worded a little harshly, but I do understand or rather accept the reason why they placed it, they have to cover their mouse ears from cancel culture, as does everyone these days. If they didn’t add the warning, I am sure, at least one person, would have written an angry letter, how can Disney associate themselves to that type of content they would write in anger. Yet as fans we want the content, if it takes a warning label to keep them safe from cancel culture whilst giving fans the complete The Muppet Show series, I’m okay with it but it still doesn’t mean it’s ridiculous and honestly unnecessary to have.  

There seems to be a growing trend with people trying to cancel each other out of existence, from where I stand, I see no logic in most of the reasonings behind many of these cancellations. Granted in some I do, cancel culture is a complicated subject, a Muppet trying to mind control kids into jumping into the ocean, cancel that Muppet immediately. Pepe the King Prawn, not the skunk, flirting with a celebrity guest, hilarious, please don’t cancel that, actually I want to see more of that, more Pepe (the King Prawn) please. This is a Muppet and Henson Website; let the Looney Tunes defend themselves on their own website. I do understand that certain things back in the day were very offensive, there are people who should not be celebrated, it’s tricky, but when cancel culture becomes nit-picky, it takes away from the seriousness of its use and impact. Cancel Culture in my opinion is going too far these days, if a bad person is doing something in entertainment, more than shouting “cancel!”, people should just not support using their wallets, don’t give money, don’t enjoy it. I stand behind this on many topics, however I would never try to cancel something if people enjoy it and it has an audience. I do agree many times with the reasonings why cancel culture is in action, yet sometimes I don’t think it’s a strong enough reason to actually cancel something, when everything is in danger of cancellation, it takes away its whole value. Let’s give it a rest, it’s time to cancel Cancel Culture, and focus on not repeating those past “mistakes” in our entertainment in the future. Let’s focus on what is deserving of cancellation and not on what is just plain childish, when it comes to trying to cancel Muppets, in my opinion that’s not progress, that’s silliness. Cancelling childhood characters, how childish, what’s next? We’re going to cancel Winnie the Pooh and Piglet too? My goodness who would ever try to cancel Winnie the Pooh? 

Long live The Muppets and a quick exit for cancel culture, appreciate The Muppets, be a Walter, not a Sam the Eagle. 


By the way if we do begin cancelling Muppets, please let’s not forget to cancel these offensive idiots...
   

For more articles by Nicholas Napoli, 
based more on life and philosophy rather 
than chickens and penguins, please visit his website: 

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